CheckList

when Todd and i got married in 2009 i remember distinctly thinking to myself my life is just beginning. probably a fairly common thought with new brides. he was everything i didn't know i wanted when we met.

i remember telling myself before i had ever laid my lucky eyes on him that there was no way i was going to be with someone who had a "past". it seemed like too heavy a job to carry that burden with my spouse. (how ridiculous.)

i would obviously be bringing crap along with me to any relationship i entered and so would the other person.. but at 19... i just didn't think i could deal with someone who brought extra baggage. plus, i already knew how hard drug addictions and being let down time and time again made me feel because of some of my family members.

in my infinite wisdom i knew that i was sparing myself from years of grief and turmoil by setting these boundaries with my future man.

he was to come to me spotless and blameless.

practically perfect and holy.

having saved himself for me and only me as i did for him.

he was to come from an unbroken family and have attended church his whole life.

he was supposed to be fully in love with God and completely devoted to Him in every way, shape and form.

i thought that was a pretty realistic check list for my man.

but we barely ever come to our spouse spotless and blameless do we?

there are more broken families out there these days than unbroken ones aren't there? (i mean.. i come from a broken family myself.)

i have moments where i find myself questioning God rather than being fully engulfed in His endless grace, but my expectation for my future spouse was perfection. completely unrealistic.

sure... we all can make up a list of the attributes we want our future spouse to be like.

we can even have a "type".

tall, dark and handsome.

average, pale and loves Harry Potter (holla!).

short, tan and has green eyes.

whatever we're attracted to may or may not come into play when we meet our spouse.

and that's exactly what happened to me. he was 4 years older than i was and was the most handsome man i've ever seen. he was shy and kept to himself which made me all the more interested. plus, if you know anything about a college church community, especially at a church you've grown up in... you know who is datable and who isn't and because of those two things, new guys were always spotted right away.

we slowly got to know each other and i learned about his "past". it was then that i realized how big my God is. i do not say that in a flippant, easy way that you can often find people saying.. "God is SOOO great isn't he?!", but in the humble, sincere way since He has showed me how laughable my "wise" plans were.

you see...

Todd was fresh out of Delano State Prison.

he had just moved to Long Beach from his hometown to start over.

he had just ended a long relationship with his girlfriend the previous month

and was a recovering drug addict with 14 months of sobriety under his belt.

my check list looked pretty empty at this point.

2 Corinthians 5:17

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.

but when he spoke about God and his redeeming salvation story i was done. i practically chucked that check list in the first trashcan i saw.

Todd was so in love with his Savior that, to me, his past had no affect on the future i saw for us. Christ literally saved Todd's life. he told me that if God hadn't given him the road to prison, he has no idea where he'd be now. in those 13 months where Todd sat and did his daily routine over and over again.. God drew him near. he whispered Truth to Todd and protected him the entire time. he was, and he'll tell you this himself, blessed to be where he was.. he had God & Todd time for an entire year. how awesome is that? i often find myself wondering when and where i could find and force myself to devote a hour to the Lord, and here was Todd... with nothing but time...

so here i sit... almost 3 years into our marriage and 5 months pregnant with our first born, a baby girl. my love for Todd is something fierce. don't get me wrong, we can argue like the best of them, but we also love without holding back. i just have to say that it's in moments like these... where i sit back and reflect on my little life with my husband that i am most in awe of Jesus. where would my life be if i had held fast to that stupid little check list? how limited would my love be? how unfulfilled would my world be because i would not be able to see and reflect on God grace with my husband?

God really is so very, very good.