Every 6 months, this lovely arrives in the mail
It makes my heart sink and I stop breathing for a few seconds. It somehow seems impossible that one single envelope can bring me back to such a dark place in an instant.
But, it does.
It has been almost 4 years since Kevin was diagnosed with stage 3 metastatic melanoma.
In a nutshell, melanoma is an aggressive cancer. Once it spreads (metastatic), it is not good.
Now Kevin gets blood work, scans, and body checks every 6 months to check for recurrence. It rocks my world every time.
I went for a run after receiving the envelope and I was fervently praying for God to continue to keep cancer out of our lives. I prayed for Kevin to stay cancer free indefinitely. I pleaded with God to not let cancer take years away from my boys having a father.
Questions raced through my mind as I lifted my worst case scenario thoughts up to God.
Will Luke know that his dad is artistic like him?
Will Charlie remember their equally matched "fun" gene.
Will Jack know that Daddy was his first music teacher?
Will he live long enough for our 3 boys to truly remember the details about him? I don't want their only memories to be from viewing photographs from their early years.
However, as soon as those thoughts surfaced, He gently corrected my thought process.
"Your children will always have a Father. They will always will have Me."
I will admit that I wrestled with God as this conviction pierced my heart.
"Yes Lord, I don't mean to replace your importance in their lives, but please don't take away their earthly father." In my head I was spinning the emotional damage of my boys growing up without Kevin. Cancer has a habit of bringing you to crazy emotional places.
"I am all they need. I am all Kevin needs. I am all you need."
It wasn't that God wasn't interested in my prayer for continued healing, it is just that in the process of listening to my requests, He provided the all too true reminder that He is all we need.
In any circumstance.
Within a few days, I was reading a magazine and came across a story of two women who had been friends since childhood. About midway through the story, one of the women was diagnosed with melanoma. She was treated and given a good prognosis since it had not spread. However, 8 years later, it recurred like melanoma is so well known for. It killed her within months. She left behind 2 young children and a husband.
I quietly sobbed on the sofa as everyone else in our home was sleeping. I cried because I hate cancer. I hate the fear that it has put in my heart, and I hate the threat it poses to my husband, Kevin and to our boys. I fear what will happen to our boys if they don't grow up with their father in their lives. Although I truthfully have not struggled with a "why us" mentality, I had a definite "why us" moment.
Once again, in His gentle way, He whispered to my heart, "I am all you need."
I AM ALL YOU NEED.