grace like rain - part one

i would venture to say sunday october 19, 2008 was one of the worst days of my husband's life.
it started normal. woke up, went to church, had Sunday brunch.
did a little weekend shopping. hung out with my mom and sister who were visiting from out of town.
and then headed to have dinner with the fam at a local italian restaurant. 

while at dinner, the wife of one of our close friends called three times.
three times in a row. finally, scott answered.
my heart was beating so fast - literally pounding - i thought people would be able to see it.
i knew exactly why she was calling.
i could hear her speaking with urgency but i couldn't hear what she was saying.
scott told her he would call her later. and was very, very quiet for the rest of dinner.
i knew our lives would be forever different. nothing would ever be the same.

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when we got to the car as we left my mom and sister, scott said this:
"you have one chance to tell me the truth."
i took a deep breath, looked him in the eye, and told him the entire story from beginning to end.

for the past 18 months, i had been having an affair with our pastor and friend.

i always thought i would never let that happen to me. i was not susceptible to that kind of disgusting sin.
and my husband and i had a wonderful marriage. and my relationship with the Lord was super solid.
there was no way i would ever find myself in that position.
but isn't it funny how sin works? one minute you're fighting it and the next minute you've given in.
satan is a tricky, tricky guy.

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i worked for him at our church. he was the youth pastor, i was his secretary.
we became friends. friends at work and family friends.
there were times when i knew i was flirting with disaster.
i confessed to some of my friends that i felt we were a little too close for comfort sometimes.
i thought about quitting. i thought about telling someone that there were times of inappropriate flirting going on. 
but i thought i was strong enough to beat the temptation.

the whole year and a half was such a crazy time in my life.
when i look back, i literally feel like i'm looking at a black hole. darkness.
it started off like any sin starts off: sneaky, exhilarating, exciting. 
with this feeling of, "i'll try it just once."
and pretty soon it was this intense addiction that i didn't see coming.

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after about 6 months, he was moving his family to oregon to plant a church.
since we were friends as couples, he asked us to go with them.
scott had the opportunity to go to seminary up there so he was all about the move.
before i knew it, we were putting our home up for sale and packing boxes.
nothing triggered in my mind that this could be a disaster.
i was too involved to think about anyone or anything else.

when we finally moved to oregon, the affair had been going on for exactly a year.
one year of secrets. one year of lies. one year of hiding. one year of covering up.
one year of trying to convince my friends that nothing was going on.
one year of turning my back on the Lord. one year of ugly, ugly life-changing sin.
i was exhausted. i was scared. i was anxious all day, every day.
i wasn't eating. i wasn't sleeping. i wanted out so bad but didn't know how.
i was drowning. i was addicted. i didn't know how to break free.
i missed my husband. and i missed Jesus. i wanted my old life back.
it just wasn't worth it anymore.

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one friday night - october 17 to be exact - i prayed for the first time in 18 months.
i prayed a simple prayer:
"God. get me out. it doesn't matter how. just get me out."
and i waited. because i knew he would get me out. i wasn't scared of the consequences.
i wasn't afraid of what would come. i just wanted out.
and two days later, on sunday october 19, with three phone calls in a row at dinner,
God got me out.

[come back on tuesday for part two.]

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