I have been broken and thrown into the refiners fire.
(Not from death or physical pain, but an emotional toll... a constant "i quit God. I am done." attitude.)
I've been married 12 years to a wonderful husband who thinks the world of me and six beautiful children who daily look beyond my frail flesh.
Yet why am I bitter towards God?
Why do I resist the chastening that is ever present in my life.
Here are my stats:
In my 32 years of life, I have moved (in estimate) 33 plus times.
Sixteen of those moves are since I have been married.
Most recently -- 5 moves in the past two years!
not to mention literally homeless last January with 6 kids.
And the gut-wrenching-despair from those days I don't want to ever experience again.
My strength has grown weary these past two years, especially as God teaches my husband what his true calling is in life. Undoubtedly, He is teaching me too. Lessons we will pass along to our children and their children.
Honestly though, I have been full of anger and resentment. I don't take it out all the time on my husband, but more often than not on my kids. I cringe writing those words. They have seen Mommy a bit to emotional lately and easily angered.
The best way I can explain it: have you ever taken a road trip with your family? We drove across the United States and back this past year. At times our attitudes were not so pretty. My son (during one of those moments) said "Did you know Mom, that astronauts have to go through a special three day training in a small capsule? It's to work on the aggression/tension that comes with being confined in small spaces." ha!! hello!!?
Well, I am now living in a small space and it is getting to me. I did not sign up for this God!
I actually drew a map in my journal the other day of my home. I made an arrow and wrote: GOD I AM HERE. I live in 850 square feet, above a garage, two rooms, one bathroom... can you see me?!!! Or are these gigantic houses in this neighborhood hiding me?? His grace spoke to me....for one’s life does not consist in the abundance of his possessions. (Luke12:15).. Do not be ashamed of what I am teaching you. I am the Lord Your Provider, you have all you need.
I married my husband for better or worse. I am committed to submit, serve, and walk beside him in this journey called life.
I have been the pastors wife.
I have also been the vending drivers wife.
Yet joyfully will always be Sean's wife.
I have no idea. My husband is being trained in a very decent job as a web developer. It is promising. We are considering it to be 'our college' years, yet instead of being in an apartment alone we get to "enjoy it" with 6 kids. I fear the debt we are slowly going into and have no idea when or how God will move.
I am a homeschool mom, but more than likely we are making the jump (at least for the year) to public school. We all need a little structure, change of pace, and more space.
Lets just say I have to keep my eyes heavenward and not the mess on the floor.
I have to voice the blessings in my life.
This is hard because of my pride.
I have to pray.
I have to read Gods word.
I have to let Him settle my heart. I desperately need my roots deeper in Him, not deeper in this earth.
In the shower (my only quiet spot with the door locked-I might add!) the Lord reminded me of this verse. I almost cried when my husband sent it to me a few hours later from work.
"Consider him who endured from sinners such hostility against himself, so that you may not grow weary or fainthearted. In your struggle against sin you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. And have you forgotten the exhortation that addresses you as sons?
'My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord,
nor be weary when reproved by him.
For the Lord disciplines the one he loves,
and chastises every son whom he receives.'
It is for discipline that you have to endure. God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline? If you are left without discipline, in which all have participated, then you are illegitimate children and not sons. Besides this, we have had earthly fathers who disciplined us and we respected them. Shall we not much more be subject to the Father of spirits and live? For they disciplined us for a short time as it seemed best to them, but he disciplines us for our good, that we may share his holiness. For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it."
Are you resisting Gods chastisement? Are you growing bitter? Don't fight. I promise you: you will not win.
Understand we must get back up again... Then, rest in the grace of God and keep moving forward. Praise God His mercies are new every morning.